Infertility

      I know many of you come onto this site to see lovely pictures of our family, however if I am honest about our family, I must say that we deal with infertility.  You see, when I was in high school I had just a couple of periods a year (sorry tmi) and my doctor said it was likely I would have troubles having children.  When we conceived Kaleb with no troubles I decided that doctor was a little too cautious...or maybe crazy.
      Infertility is a word most women fear.  Most women do not even mention this word.  Most women do not admit that they struggle with this.  I however, am.  As mentioned previously, Kaleb was conceived easily, but when we tried for a sibling for Kaleb, we learned it was much more difficult.  I watched my medical chart change from irregular menses to diagnosed infertility.  Yet doctor visit after doctor visit, I still would not consider myself infertile.  I had a child right?  I am a self-admitted positive thinker.  I am also ridiculously competitive.  I will do anything in my power to succeed.  I decided my teenage doctor was a bit nutso.  We started trying to grow our family 2 1/2 years ago.  We have been undergoing fertility treatments for over a year now.  Some treatments were non-invasive.  Some treatments were were as invasive as we determined we would go.  Last cycle, we decided would be our last.  Last cycle failed.  
     So where are we now?  Not quite sure, if I am to be honest.  From the spiritual realm, I struggle.  Why wouldn't God allow me to have another child.  Kaleb is blessed, fed, and happy.  Some other children struggle for these things.  I have spent months struggling over that fact that God was good.  "God, if you are good, why don't you allow Kaleb to have a brother or sister?"  Still, I wonder.  I watch siblings at my school love on one another.  Their parents are not watching, yet I see them check in with one another and give each other hugs.  I am sure they would deny it to their parents, but it is clear that they love one another.  As I watch these kids, I long for Kaleb to have a similar bond.  I had this bond.  I have grappled with God.  "God, what if our family is only a family of three?"  I didn't want the answer.
     Well,  after 27 months of trying for a child we have finally stopped.  I have relinquished myself to the term...infertile.  What a difficult place to be.  I watch friends have babies left and right.  I become jealous and have to wrestle with God over those feelings.  I look at my son and wonder why I cannot feel content as he is a miracle after all.  I have wrestled with God.  Wrestled hard.  Wondered of His goodness.  Although, I am not fully resolved, I know I am infertile.  I know Kaleb is a miracle.  And, I am proclaiming to myself on a daily basis that He is good.